Insomnia

I'm afraid to sleep. It's hard to lay my head down in my pillow knowing that my dreams will become nightmare. At the exact same moment when my etes close, the gates open up and my inner demons are unleashed and will come and haunt me. I used to be the guy who didn't have any fears. I used to sleep without having any worries in my head. But time passes and tragedies comes and goes but the damage stays forever, like a burnt skin the pain fades with time and skin may heal, it will leave a scar and you can always know what happened, in the back of your mind you won't respond the same way to fire, a smal ember or a big flame, the fear of getting famaged is still the same. The same theory just applied different. The darkness is still the same as before. I'm afraid to know what my mind keeps away from my knowledge. Fear of what is really inside of me. I am my own worst enemy, my own mind is my biggest rival. There's nobody that can hurt me more than I can do. I'm losing the ability of thinking properly, my brain cells are fading away with tiredness. I want to go to sleep but there's no place to go, my shadow reminds me that there will always be darkness inside of me no matter how I fill it with light there's always space for darkness to be. There is always some room for my demons to dwell. My eyes hurt, not only for being exausted, but everytime I go to sleep when I wake up I find myself covered in tears. My only time I can give peace to my unrested soul also means confronting my deepest and darkest issues. I'm tired of being this way. I want to heal this broken heart, gather all the pieces and glue them together, but like a breaking glass there's always pieces that escape away, to ever be found again. This chaos strips me chunks of myself, leaving empty spots that will never be filled again. How can I give my heart to someone else again if it's not complete? How can I give happiness if there's a part of my heart that does not recognize it? Those pieces missing are the ones that give importance to life, seek and understanding the meaning of life. The ones I lack are the ones that I cherish the most and the ones who protected that gate, the same gate of my demons' prision. Darkness has kept the light concealed. Now I feel like trapped in the darkness and slowly bit by bit transforming myself into what I feared the most. Just going to sleep represents turning myself into one of them. All that I was thought to be kind and good is rapidly fading away. Emotions slowly rotting and begins to feel like a dead weight upon my shoulders. Those nightmares engulf me and I'm heading to the point where no soul can crawl back. An inferno building up inside of my head and still forced to fake smiles so it doesn't raises awareness on the people I care the most. This life of trapping my feelings is taking it's toll. But why I cannot let anybody know about my chains. Nobody can help. Nobody can really know what's inside of me. But it's also a fear of being left away because of the monster I'm becoming. Nobody wants to deal with a damaged psycho. I don't want to feel outcasted. Only I can deal with the emptiness inside, find my own answers and vanquishing what dwells inside. I'm cast away in a world that only I can know. My thoughts are beginning to feel numb and my feelings unsure. Can I really win this fight? Do I have the weapons to slain dragons? I must have. I just cannot find them. It seems the answers were so crystal clear but in a matter of seconds everything can change. Life has spins and turns and he are supposed to asimilate them and learn how to roll with them. I guess i missed that class. Can I find that answer? Can I hear those silent voices wanting to scream? Can I hear those screaming voices wanting to be silenced? My senses were taken away as the gate opens. Cannot hear, cannot see, cannot scream for help. All I have left is my feel, the feeling of being doomed. Can I find the answer? Can I sleep again in peace?

R.A.Pastor